Sunday, August 12, 2012

No Clear Path

It feels something like a confession to note that I haven't posted here in a month, and not all that frequently in the last three or four months. Life has been busy with my election to the Board of Directors for my community. And there was the big wedding just two months ago. I did put aside my focus on my art work to engage in the election and to participate as fully as I could in the run up to the wedding of my stepson, and make myself as much a part of that family as was needed or wanted, and I am content with how things went and the part I played.

But I have in all honesty been distracted, looking more inward than usual, feeling untethered. My ex-husband contacted me a few weeks back to let me know his father had passed away - I worked with his dad and knew him before meeting his son many many years ago. Now the ex has asked me to make a memory book of his father's life, and that felt like an appropriate way for me to say goodbye and make a gesture to my own past. 
Additionally, a couple of friends have died in the last month, including the lovely man known as Texas Jon who played guitar at our wedding just five years ago. He touched my heart when he sat with Tom and I one summer evening on the back steps of our local bookstore with his guitar and played songs for us to choose from for the ceremoney. It was a private concert that made an impact on me that I can't explain. And I am somewhat flailing about his passing. Greiving perhaps for many things.

I often feel like an observer in my own life more than a participant, and that feeling is stronger now. I spent hours the other day looking through my old photographs for pictures of my ex-father-in-law, and it was an odd trip back through my own life. It felt important, and like I was on the cusp of some greater perspective and deeper understanding of myself, my tendencies, my idiosyncracies, and my own sense of self. 
I think I want to explore that, but it is far too personal to share here, even though I have developed very few followers and little attention for my blog. I wanted to share some of these thoughts and give a warning that I may or may not be returning. I will continue my art, and have plans for a show in October, but I don't know much more than that. That is probably clear as mud, but right now, I guess what I mostly see is muddy. Thanks for stopping by. I always appreciated the comments left for me.

5 comments:

  1. jackie - this heart felt post confirmed for me that this is something we all go through. i have been feeling some of the same things over the past few months, maybe the past year.
    sometimes i feel like i have to be 'doing' something 24/7 (art, family, friends, enjoying the beauty that surrounds, etc) because i realize that my days are moving faster than i am... and i don't want to miss a thing.
    give yourself a break. do the things you love, be with the people you want to be with. the art will keep - you will think about it, and wonder if you will get back to it, but i can tell you this, when you are ready, it will be there for you.
    loosing dear friends to death is always hard, but doing the piece for your former father in law will prove to be healing.

    ps: i hope i didn't read more into your post than you intended. but i have had really had similar episodes in my life, and i find that when i relax about it, when i am ready to come back, it is always there for me.

    take care of yourself. and come back when you are ready. (email me privately if you prefer)

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  2. I've been offline more than usual lately, Jackie (which accounts for the Words with Friends games I've forfeited), so I'm just reading this now. Sorry to hear about Bryan's dad; I remember meeting him that time we went to Palm Springs together. You and I are overdue for a good schmooze, or at least a solid email conversation. And I need to know about those incredible shoes! Much love from up here in the NW corner.

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  3. Hi Jackie,
    I'm just now reading your post, I usually am a lurker, but wanted to leave a note to say I'm sorry for your losses. I think all bloggers go through periods when we have thoughts and feelings that are too personal for blogging. It is perfectly natural to take breaks! I hope you will return to post your work and let us know how you are doing on the journey.

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  4. Just a short note to say I am thinking of you- xo

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  5. Jackie -
    just checking in with you.
    how are you?
    i hope you are well - email when you get a chance and let me know what's new. trebeca ZERO FOUR @ yahoo

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